Nachdenklich
by Athena Asamiya
Summary: Sometimes, past feelings can't be forgotten, no matter how hard one tries... (Short Sol POV fic; contains shounen ai implications [Sol x Ky])


  
  
  
**TITLE:** Nachdenklich  
**AUTHOR:** Athena Asamiya <[empresskatzy@hotmail.com][1]>  
**SERIES:** Guilty Gear  
**TYPE:** Part 1/1, short Sol POV fic. (Though it probably COULD take place during the _Amor_ series, even though the timeline's off...*shrug*)  
**RATING:** PG-13  
**WARNING:** Some harsh language, Solky shounen ai implications. Also a pretty big Sol-related spoiler, if you haven't beaten the first game...  
**SETTING:** Sometime during the tournament of the first game. Not that I actually know where THAT took place, but use your imagination. ^^;;; I think in this fic, it's supposed to be a fancy hotel or something...  
**THEME:** "Roads" by Portishead.  
**COMMENTS:** Definitely not an example of my best work, but hell, this wanted to be written, so it got written. Very, very quickly. O_o;; I think kitsune-chan was jealous because I was working so hard on a Ky fic... Reviews and comments kudasai~ ^_^ 

  


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    I saw him today, while I was on my way to my next match of the tournament. As soon as I caught sight of that old familiar outfit, the draping blue and white and that damnable cross on the front, I knew it was him. Bearing the sign of God and the soldiers who fought in His name.     The Seikishidan. More specifically, in this case, its illustrious leader.     Goddamn, I thought, as something like a smile crossed my face. It's the boy.     Not a boy anymore, now. Not just some blond-haired, innocent-looking child who just happened to have the lives of all mankind depending on him. He was older now, grown up - it HAD been eight years since I last saw him, I reminded myself - but I could tell, even from the distance that I was watching him, that he still had that radiation about him.     He had always been so holy, so full of light.     I think I had missed that.     Some rational part of me told me to go on, keep moving, who gives a shit about him. That's over with. You left him, you stole that sword, he's gonna want to KILL you, for Christ's sake-     But I stayed. I hid. And I watched him.     He was talking to another hyperactive contestant in this stupid tournament, that little girl in the pirate costume. She was bouncing all over the place, jabbering excitedly at him and waving her arms. He was smiling in that calm way of his and politely talking back to her in return. I couldn't hear what they were talking about, but I instantly thought that it had better not be anything MORE than the tournament or weaponry styles.     `Cause if it was, I didn't want to be forced to have to kill the kid.     That one thought surprised me. I guess I was still as possessive of him as I'd always been. I hadn't been able to figure out my feelings for him during those eight years alone, after I had left him and the Seikishidan. Being without him hadn't made it any easier to confront those fucked-up emotions that he had made me feel. Then again, I remembered well that even when I was WITH him, it hadn't made any sense.     I was a Gear. It didn't matter that I was the prototype, the most human of all of them -- I was still a Gear. A biological creation made for chaos and war. A living weapon, born from hatred.     So how could I feel love?     How could I feel what he made me feel?     I had learned to accept it, after awhile, but I knew that he couldn't. Not that he had any idea that I was a Gear, but in his eyes, I was still his nemesis. And even now, I was his enemy. There was no way he would have been able to deal with any of this -- even if he had loved me, he couldn't have done anything about it. He wouldn't have dared to admit that he had THOSE sort of feelings for his despised rival.     Damn. Now that I think about it, we had been screwed over since the beginning. I snicker to myself as I pull out a pack of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it. Star-crossed lovers, indeed.     I took a chance and stepped out of the shadows of the balcony, leaning over it a bit and watching the trailing smoke frame his figure below, still chatting with that perky little brat. Aw, how cute. Godboy's got a fan. I wonder if she's got a thing for you, boy. And I wonder if you'll ever love anyone the way you loved me.     I felt myself hoping that you wouldn't.     I turned away, flicking ashes over the side of the balcony, watching them drift to the floor below. Why was I doing this to myself, anyway? Why can't I just give it up and accept that I threw it all away years ago? Why can't I ignore the need to run down there, hold him and never let him go?     I hate asking myself questions. I really do.     So I look back at him, telling myself that this will be IT, that after this, I'll put away my feelings for him. He must have done the same, a long time ago. After all, that was the reason I had left the Seikishidan in the first place. One of us had to end it, and since I obviously knew more secrets than he did - knew why this could never work out - I had to be the one to let him go. And it had been the hardest thing I had ever done, when I was so close to humanity.     Come on, boy. Don't let me down. Don't tell me that everything I did was for nothing.     With an exaggerated wave, the fangirl left him alone at last, running off to probably annoy someone else. He was left by himself in the foyer, with none in the room but me. Watching him.     His eyes turned towards me. And I didn't bother hiding myself this time.     As soon as he saw me, his face, no longer so young but still beautiful, went through the widest range of expressions that I've ever seen -- from shock to surprise to complete incensed fury.     Oh, he remembered me, all right. He remembered me too well.     I couldn't resist flashing him my typical smirk of contempt, one that I knew he wouldn't forget. It was branded into his memory as being trademark of the one opponent that he couldn't defeat. The one person that he hated more than anything.     His rival. Me.     But I wasn't prepared for the sudden pain I felt at the anger in his eyes. I had obviously succeeded in making him despise me, wiping away any traces of feelings that he had for me. He couldn't love me. But he didn't know that. So I had to be the one to sacrifice everything we had, in order to save him.     And myself.     Though now I wondered if it had all been really worth it. Or if I had saved either of us.     I silently mouthed the words at him. I'll be seeing you, boy.     And I smiled at him, enjoying this display of his cute little temper. At least that hadn't changed about him -- I could still piss him off just by existing. But at my smile, again, something happened that I wasn't prepared for. The look on his face completely changed -- to something that even I couldn't place.     Regret?     Sadness?     Hope?     Or....     I felt like something had struck me in the gut.     Shit. Shit, shit, shit.     I didn't want to deal with this. Not again. I had to get out of here.     I'm a Gear. I don't love. I'm a Gear. I don't love.     I don't....     I willed my feet to move, and finally, thankfully, I left. I melted back into the shadows and walked away, even though I heard him rush up the stairs to my hiding spot, madly searching for me. Though what he was feeling right now, love or hate, I didn't know.     I didn't really want to know.     "SOL!!!!"     I kept moving, moving away, wishing that I could leave my own feelings behind that easily.

  


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Guilty Gear fanfiction "Nachdenklich" © Athena Asamiya, 2001. 

Use in whole or in part of this fanfiction without permission is prohibited. If you wish to use this fanfiction for any purpose, please obtain permission prior to doing so. 

<[empresskatzy@hotmail.com][1]> 

Guilty Gear, Sol Badguy and Ky Kiske, copyright 1998 Sammy Co., Arc System Works Co., Team Neo Blood, and Atlus. 

  
  
replace the name replace the fear  
and i can't come out but i want you here 

~ [heaven . coming . down][2] ~ 

   [1]: mailto:empresskatzy@hotmail.com
   [2]: http://heaven.morethanart.org



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